Letting go of Toxic People & Situations

Hello Spiritual Seekers! Happy New Year 2020!

It feels incredible to be at the beginning of a New Year & a New Decade. What better time to make a new year’s resolution to let go of toxic people & situations that do not serve your highest good. While this is an admirable task to take on – how do we do it?

Marie Kondo is well known for her decluttering & has become famous for coining the phrase that the items you keep must ‘spark joy’ for you. This is hard enough to do for material possessions, but what about letting go of our own destructive habits, & people who erode our sense of self worth through put downs, physical abuse, over critisising & general bad treatment? While it may be clear we have to let go of these people & situations in order to thrive, it’s not an easy thing to do.

Have you noticed that even with the best intentions, sometimes if you give up one bad habit (such as over eating), another one will appear to replace it? (such as smoking). Similarly, if you end a bad relationship with an abuser, another abusive partner will turn up soon after & you repeat the pattern again?

The reason this happens is because underneath our ‘decisions’ to choose these people & situations is quite often a lot of trauma & self destructive beliefs that keep us stuck in these self-defeating patterns.

If you truly want to let go of toxic people & situations, you must understand the big picture, address the underlying trauma & change the beliefs that keep you stuck repeating the same old patterns. Then you can start to implement healthy life changing behaviours.

In 2019 I successfully did this, & I can now pass on the powerful practical system that I have developed. You don’t have to spend years doing this either – it took me six months to address my traumas, complete my healing & ditch my self destructive beliefs. I was able to let go of ALL the toxic people & situations in my life because they no longer resonated with me. I healed & changed, & in doing so I raised myself to a higher level of awareness, consciousness & health. I now feel much calmer, happier, wiser & more fulfilled everyday. My health has improved too & I’m starting to lose weight I’ve held for 25 years. Also I’m able to relate to much healthier happier people because I’m there myself.

If you also want to raise your level of awareness, health & happiness, & start living your best most fulfilling life, please feel free to contact me to do one-to-one personal practical instruction for 6 weeks. It is not that expensive & it will change your world for the better.

Surviving & Thriving Abusive Relationships

Surviving & Thriving Abusive Relationships

Are you always doing things for other people & helping them while feeling constantly drained? Are you feeling unappreciated & unacknowledged by others? Do you feel you’re walking on eggshells waiting for the next explosion? Do you often choose not to express your thoughts/feelings in order to keep the peace?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions you may be in an abusive relationship, possibly with a narcissist or someone of the ‘Cluster B’ type. Sometimes we find ourselves in bad or abusive relationships & this can be a painful & damaging experience. But it can also be an OPPORTUNITY to uplevel yourself, reconnect with your power & become the person you were truly meant to be.

I have come from a background of Narcissistic abuse, & have been through a number of abusive romantic relationships as well. I was always trying to prove myself to others, selflessly doing more & more for them & less & less for myself. Yet I never seemed to get the love & acknowledgment I was seeking. I usually ended up feeling worthless & devalued.

Over the last 10 years I have discovered the way to transform myself & have now regained my energy, vitality & joy that is my true self. Because I have this knowledge & have put it into practise in my own life & I can now teach you what I have learned. I have developed a 6 week course that will show you how to UNDERSTAND why these things have happened & TAKE ACTION to take your life back in your own hands.

EMAIL ME TO BOOK NOW to experience my new transformative program & take the first step to becoming your true self.

8 Signs You May Be in An Abusive Relationship

8 Signs You May Be in An Abusive Relationship

Most people in society associate the term abuse with black eyes & broken bones. And while this is certainly abuse, emotional & mental abuse can be just as damaging to a person’s welfare and often does not leave scars that are recognised as damage by the general public.

Unfortunately we live in a time where abuse within intimate relationships – is increasing. Many people are unaware that the emotional & mental treatment they receive from a partner is abusive, & will often believe there is something wrong with themselves. Or they may think it is a trivial matter, & they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ over nothing. Alternatively they may think they will not be believed by other people, or they don’t want to risk causing a scandal & so continue to hide the situation from others.

However, continuing to stay in an abusive relationship is not trivial & will cause serious damage to a person’s mental & emotional health.

Below are 8 signs that could indicate you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship:.

1. Extremely jealous

A prominent trait of abusers is their jealousy. An abusive partner or spouse is often jealous of you, other people and even your dreams and goals. If they often falsely accuse you of infidelities with other people, this is a huge red flag. Their jealousy over your perceived cheating, or intangible things like your aspirations stem from the lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life.

2. Verbally Abusive

If someone calls you derogatory names, they mean to hurt you, shame you, destroy your confidence and keep you in line. Abusers sometimes cover themselves by saying they are joking, blaming you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated.

This is the case whether the insults are said to your face, over the phone or in texts or emails. A common tactic of some abusers is to send many derogatory texts & then refuse to address this in a specific way afterwards.

3. Instills fear

If you feel fear around your partner or spouse, there is something very wrong. Abusers may try to intimidate you with violence, dominance or power tactics. For example, intentionally putting you in possibly harmful situations, smashing furniture in front of you, almost hitting you then pulling back at the last moment, or showing you their gun collection and stating they are not afraid to use them.

If you are afraid to speak up & are constantly walking on eggshells & dreading the next outburst, this is a very bad sign.

4. Alcohol and drug use

Not all abusers use drugs or drink excessive alcohol, but many do. An addiction can lead to erratic and inappropriate behavior. Substance abuse can be a gateway to emotional abuse and an unhealthy relationship.

5. Controls you through emotions

An abuser is a grand manipulator and will give you the silent treatment, and emotionally punish you for not following their idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assert what is right for you. At times the abuser may appear to be apologetic and loving; but the abuse begins again when the abuser feels he or she has your forgiveness.

6. Blames you for their behaviour

This is classically verbalised by statements such as ‘look what you made me do’ . If your significant other always blames their bad behaviours on you, this may be a bad sign. If he or she throws a tantrum or attacks you verbally, he or she will say it was because of you. It is  not a sign of a healthy relationship. if your partner does not take responsibility for their own actions, & makes no efforts to change.

7. You are always forced to put them first.

If your partner will not focus on you or your needs & always insists that their needs come first, this is not a good sign. In a healthy partnership, both people should get roughly equal amounts of time, consideration & love. But if one partner is always ‘exploding in anger, or acting out in dramatic & overemotional ways & the other partner is always in damage control trying to soothe the other, this is unhealthy, It could lead to one partner becoming exhausted & even developing CPTSD symptoms.

8. Things that are important to you are dismissed or sabotaged

In the beginning of the relationship, your partner may have said they shared many of your interests – they may have even participated in these activities/interests with you. But as the relationships develops, you notice that they gradually stop supporting you in these goals & say that they are not really interested. Worse, they may start to sabotage your ability to participate in & enjoy these activities that represent your goals & dreams.

These are only 8 of a huge list of possible signs which indicate you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you recognise any of these traits in your partner, you may be in an emotionally abusive relationship & it’s important to get help. I work with clients to identify & work through any damage or conditioned patterns of thinking & behaviour you might have learned. Over time, you can recover & move forward to regain control of your life & start to thrive.

Does Detachment Mean Not Caring?

I wrote this article for White Light magazine 23/7/17:

Emotional detachment – or non-attachment – is a concept that is talked about in Buddhism, Hinduism, Jainism & Taoism & is often misunderstood by many people. It is defined as a state in which a person overcomes his or her attachment or desire for things, people or concepts of the world and thus attains a heightened  perspective. Often people confuse detachment with being uncaring or apathetic – ie. thinking that whatever happens will happen anyway & they are powerless over anything, so why bother? However this is to completely misunderstand the meaning of detachment.

When you practice detachment you don’t look to the things in this world for your happiness, your identity, or your self worth. When you realize that worldly things are impermanent, it is easier to let go of them, to forgive while still retaining an inner happiness, your sense of self worth & a deep regard for yourself & everyone else.

This is not a state of indifference, and does not mean lack of interest or lack of feeling. People who are indifferent do not care about anything, and are usually passive. True detachment is something else. It is an attitude of calmly accepting what is, open-mindedness and practical behaviour.

People who posses detachment can calmly accept the reality of whatever happens. This doesn’t mean that they judge everything as good & positive, they are still aware that there are positive & negative situations, but they accept the reality of what is happening at the time it is happening. The main prerequisite when practicing detachment is that you relinquish the need to have things happen in a certain way or come to a specific outcome before you feel positive emotions. If you accept what life brings you, you can maintain a level of joy, peace & serenity no matter what happens in your life.

A good indication of whether you are successfully practicing detachment is to check if you are experiencing negative emotions such as anger, resentment, jealousy. If so there is a good chance that you are desiring things to be a certain way – you insist things must be this way, & that’s why you’re not happy. However, even if you achieve your desires – a big house or a measure of fame for example – after a while your mind will start desiring more, & you will become discontented again.

We can still experience deep emotional states like love, passion & joy while practicing detachment– in fact the great teachers say you need a high level of intensity & awareness to live life deeply & fully. They say that you need this intensity in order carry out ‘right action’ – because we are required to act with integrity & discernment in this world. Detachment means we accept the good situations and the bad situations equally, because our minds & emotions are in a state of inner balance and peace. If there is something we cannot do or cannot change, it won’t disturb our inner peace. If we are convinced of the importance of a certain action or goal, we will pursue it with all our heart, ignoring distractions easily.

Practising detachment in your relationships will mean you are more likely to have healthy connections with others. This kind of detachment does not mean complete disengagement or lack of caring for others. It’s just less entangled and dependent emotionally. It starts with the realization that no matter how connected the relationship may be, people are still going to make their own choices for their own reasons, & you detach to allow people the freedom & space to be themselves, without always desiring them to be different. The ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring while allowing people to be who they “really are” rather than who you “want them to be is essential for a healthy relationship.

With this kind of attitude, people accept both success and failure. If they succeed, that is fine, and if they don’t they will either try again, or forget the matter and move on to something else. Real emotional detachment is a sign of inner strength, and manifests as the ability to function calmly under all circumstances. With this approach, fewer things bother you, your mind stays clear & you are more able to take positive actions that will improve all aspects of your life.

How much of what we think & do is the ego?

July 4th 2017 – Posted as a question on Quora – which I answered:

As with all topics of this nature, words become problematic because of their limitations…but I’ll give it a try.

I think ego – or the false sense of self – is intrinsically linked to the material world we find ourselves in. The non-ego is the eternal or divine part of ourselves which transcends all of the physical material world.

Being born into this world of matter in a physical body it is inevitable that we start learning to increasingly operate with the ego from a very young age. Most people are also overtly taught from birth that we are the body & the mind, thereby strengthening this instinctive tendency to identify with the ego.

To start to consciously operate from the eternal/divine part of ourselves is not easy – at least I haven’t found it easy & I think that’s the same for the majority of people. Most adults will have to become aware of the conditioning they have gone through that has led to the identification with the ego. Then one must actively practice letting the mind recede so that the divine part of you can come more into the foreground (Meditation is a very good technique for this). From here you start to realise that you are consciousness itself. I can operate on this level for short periods of time now & usually only when I’m by myself. As soon as someone else enters my space, I will often go back to operating on the level of ego again.

However, as I practise more, I am becoming more aware of when I’m identifying with ego & why. I have definitely become more relaxed & joyful as a result of this practise, & I seem to need less & less material things, so I am continuing on this path.

Eckhart Tolle says we should not think, then how do we make decisions and assess ourselves?

The following question was originally posted on Quora – which I responded to:

As much as his work has helped me, I’m confused a bit at the same time.

If I’m not suppose to think then what!!! How I motivate myself for an interview for example, how do I assess whether I look attractive or not?

How do I decide if someone is treating me wrongly?

This is indeed a complex issue…as I understand it the mind is simply a tool which seeks out problems & solves them. This is extremely useful when there are problems to be solved…by all means use it in these circumstances. This is using the mind correctly, or ‘right action’ as the Buddhists say. However as with any tool you don’t need to use it 24/7…& this is unfortunately what most people unconsciously do. We can keep the mind working without a break, & this can cause stress, depression & illness. In order to stay healthy, we regularly need to practise giving the problem solving/analysing mind a rest. Meditation is the best method to do this but it needs to be practiced. We can let the mind recede to the ‘background’ while just ‘being’ without analysing anything. Rather we just ‘notice’ what is there without following any train of thought that inevitably arises. This is an immensely relaxing & blissful state to be in & leads one to greater health in mind & body as well as letting inner wisdom come forth.